Trying...That's All I Can Do

The past few days were rough. I found out that my government ID card does not have the certificates that I need. Without those certificates, I am not able to access any military sites and my military email. I need to be able to do these things because I need to submit a processing packet to the school I am going to next week.

I thought I was doing a good thing by being proactive with my ID card because it expires next month. I figured that since I had the time to get a new ID card to just go and do it. I got a new one and as soon as I got home, I checked to see I could access the sites I needed to. I was able to so I wasn't concerned after that. I took a couple of weeks off from military stuff. I didn't want to deal with anything unless Soldiers reached out to me.

Earlier this week, I received an email to my civilian account and it was from someone in my unit. He told me that he tried emailing my military account but his emails were getting kicked back. I did not think much of it because he could have typed something wrong or used my old one.

At the start of this week, I needed to do some military stuff. I tried to get on various sites and my email and I would get errors. They would all certificate was revoked. I told my friend and she said that maybe I should try to authenticate something. I had to do something on the ID card website. Well, I tried to get on there and I would get another error. I thought that website was down so I decided to wait till the next day. I tried to find other ways to fix it but they weren't working. I think I spent most of the day working on it and had a few mental breakdowns.

The next day comes and I try everything again but I am getting the same errors. I decided it was time to call the help desk. I tried multiple numbers and kept getting automated voices that gave me the runaround. I went back to one of the military sites and that had a help desk number. I called it and was on hold for ninety minutes. I could have watched a Paul Rudd movie in that time. I didn't do that but I did do some schoolwork while I waited.

I didn't catch the person's name but he helped me as much as he could. He was getting ready to guide me step by step with clearing my old certificates. I told him I already tried that. I then told him that I had a Mac. I could hear him sigh. He said that they don't receiving training on how to troubleshoot a Mac and they usually tell people to access a specific website. I told him that I already did that. He then offered to check something. I am not sure what he was looking at but he then told me that my certificates expired. I told him that I received a new ID on the date he said my certificates expired. He said that I probably didn't get new certificates on my new ID and that I would have to go to the ID card office to get it fixed. He also told me that my email account was closed which explains why that guy's email was getting kicked back.

I thanked him and accepted what he said. I decided to go to the ID card place a few days later. I had other things planned. I had deadlines that needed to be met.

I decided to go to the ID office after my eye appointment. I opened the door and a sign that said "ID/DEERS system down" prevented me from entering. There were people in there but it was possible that they were there for something else. I closed the door and just walked back to my car. I wanted to laugh and then I wanted to cry. Of course, this is what would happen to me. I really should have known this is what would happen. I got so frustrated. I sat in my car for a bit.

I really wanted to cry. I was so frustrated and angry. During my breakdowns this week, I would give up on the rest of the day. After the actual breakdown, I would just lay in bed and watch Netflix. I didn't want to do anything after that. I would lose time and nothing would get done. I would then have to rush to get some things done.

I started to drive. I wanted to go to the gym after the ID card. I decided against it. I just wanted to get home. I had one more errand to run and then I could go home. While I drove, I decided that I was done with Army for the day. I reached my max level for frustration. I knew that if kept thinking about Army and trying to work on it today, I would exceed my level of frustration. I was determined to not go past my level. I made the decision to not do any Army things and I would focus on something else like school or this blog.

This decision I made is proving to me that I am evolving into a better version of me. I am no longer going to ruminate in my negative thoughts and emotions. I will acknowledge these feelings and then I will move on. I need to learn my threshold for my negative emotions. I am becoming more aware of my frustrations and when I am heading into a depression. I have to sit with these feelings and then think what I need to do to get out of that headspace.

I think that the more I self-reflect, the more skills I learn to take care of myself. I believe since I have more time to dedicate to myself, I think I am learning how to take care of myself. I realized that I need to focus on thing at a time. I know I can't just only have one thing on my plate but I can section things off. I then go section by section and get those things.

I want to start getting into the habit of going to the gym at least three times a week. But first things first, I need to get into the habit of doing schoolwork and writing. I have to just take one step at a time. Once writing and schoolwork become a habit, I can add something else. I can't overwhelm myself with trying to do all the things at once.

So with the Army paperwork deadlines that are approaching that I know I am not going to meet, all I can say "it is what it is." I am trying and doing the best that I can. I think that's all I can really do. There are things that I cannot control- I cannot control the DEERS system. I do not have the skillset to fix my ID card. I can't turn back the pack the hands of time to go and do my online classes and paperwork before my new ID. I made a choice and this is the outcome. There is no sense getting all worked up for these things.