The Mood of the Season
With the changing of the seasons, I notice that my mood is affected. I try to keep track of my moods and it is around this time, a few weeks after my birthday where I feel so miserable. I cry more and there are days where I don't want to leave my bed. I find that I sit with my sadness longer and sometimes it is harder to let it go.
I sometimes don't know what I should do- stay in bed and cry or get up and try to be happy. One year, I chose to stay in bed. I got caught in my thoughts and feelings. I never wanted to do anything. I worked part time and forced myself to get up. I told myself that it was for only four hours and I only needed to do it for three days. For about two weeks, that's all I did. I only left my bed for roughly twelve hours each week.
During that time, my thoughts were getting darker. I was getting angrier and not seeing the point of anything. What was the point of going on if my life was going to be like this? I made a plan and it scared me. I knew that I needed to do something; that fear of knowing how things could end pushed me to seek help. I called everywhere- it was either "we accept your insurance but are not accepting new patients" or "we are accepting patients but not we don't accept your insurance." For some reason, that really made me angry. I lost it and just got out of bed for no reason. I didn't have to work that day but I was just so upset that I couldn't stay in bed. In the end, I did find a place where I got help and things got better.
Another year around the same time, I started to sabotage my relationships. I was taking my anger out on the people closest to me. I had to force myself out of bed because I had a full time job that was alway short staffed. I exaggerated things in my mind so that I could cut ties from people around me. I made things so that I built a wall around me and so that I would not allow anyone to hurt me because I already hurt so much inside. I knew what was going on- it was the change of the seasons and how I struggle with relationships sometimes. I did some damage with some relationships and there isn't really a way to fix them. I just have to do better next time.
This year- I recognized the change in me. I made the effort to not be so broken by it. It's hard this year but I am trying. It's not just the season change but things in my life are changing. Because of duty and obligation, I am placing my life on a brief hold which is a change that I am really looking forward to.
My relationship ended and it caused a tidal wave of change. The end was sad and I still cry over the loss but that loss and pain is creating something different, something new. I believe more in myself- I know what I want from myself, my life, others. I am no longer looking to live my life to cultural norms and to the status quo.
This moment in my life is like the photo above. The world is changing- the leaf is dying but in an exuberant way. There is brightness in the decay as if to remind us that through death there is light and rebirth. This darkness is only temporary and just a moment to remember the struggles that have come before. I am looking forward to becoming a better version of myself.