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Epiphany of Diagnosis, part 2

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I had to go off my ADHD medication because the military does not like people who are "mentally defective." I am planning on submitting an application or packet to be a food safety officer. The person I am working with asked if I have ever been diagnosed with depression or anxiety. I was quiet and she rephrased the question to add "by a military doctor." I quickly replied, "No." She then proceeded to tell me that having issues like this would be an automatic disqualification.

I made the decision to come off my medication because of this and I regret it. I don't know if the medication helped with my brain or if it was just a placebo but it worked for me. I am all over the place and I am not doing well with school and writing. I know that I am on the precipice to a downward spiral and I cannot continue like this. I will be calling my doctor later this week to get back on it. I am lucky that I still have some left so I can get back on track.

I am tired of chasing things where I am expected to change. I cannot continue on this trajectory and I have to do the things I need to do. I chased after jobs, people, and things that really didn't matter by being a person I wasn't. When I reflect on the things I have done, I am no longer regretful. For a long time I regretted the chase and the time wasted but now I know they are lessons that I had to learn. Take for instance, the relationships I chased felt like a waste of time but they were lessons learned. I learned what is important to me and what my values are.

I am proud of myself that I have gained a self-awareness when it comes to things like this. I remember what it was like to hit rock bottom where I laid in bed all day with the tv on. I remember what brought me to that point and how I got there. I remember that I had a plan and how that pissed me off. I still have a lot to do and here I was trying to end it. I remember talking to a friend about how I had a plan and I didn't realize how much that hurt her. She told her husband and he reached out to me. That was eyeopening for me and I never wanted to be in that position again.

I know what I need to do with all of this. I need to just accept that my mind does not work like others. If people or organizations don't want someone like me, then I will go where I am accepted and appreciated. It's really not that complicated.

I am still going to submit my packet but if I don't get picked up for this, I will be okay. I will be a little sad and I will sit with those feelings but I will not let it consume me. I know that my time in the military is coming to an end. I know that I am not the type of person they want. I am "mentally defective" and I also don't think like most people in the Army. I learned that when I went to a training with others in my rank. I think maybe this chapter of my life is coming to a close.

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